Nostalgia, Webster tells us means, “to return home.” But the word is also related to an ancient word meaning “to survive.” Emotionally it means “the state of being homesick” or “sentimental yearning.” Whatever it is, I don’t like it.

I have hidden the books I have written in the past out of sight. And taken down the plaques and press releases. They make me sad. Sad that so much of my life has come and gone and I have achieved so little of what could be possible.

I first started knowing I was having an adverse reaction to nostalgia when I couldn’t listen to the Beatles on my ipod when I flew. Every song brought a memory back from where I had first heard it. Often I could even remember some of my first reactions to the new releases.

I still watch Leave It to Beaver. It doesn’t seem to bother me for some reason. But then again the shows are hard to find. For my younger readers “Leave It to Beaver” was a sixties sitcom we baby boomers cut our teeth on. They call back the days of simpler things and times before Vietnam, assassinations of our great leaders, Watergate, Clinton’s trial, all those things that have fed our cynicism.

But both these things are cliché to boomer memories. I lay in bed the other night trying to recall as many great times with my kids to date as I could. I was amazed with how many there have been. I don’t often think of them so they are not as readily present in my conscious mind as in my subconscious affecting me everyday. I have a large number of kids photos and grandkids photos in my offices like most dads and granddads do. I always get this feeling that I wish I had done less of some things and more of others.

I try not remembering a few things that hurt too much. Family deaths are some. Blown money I wish I had back again. Abandoned leadership roles that mean less to me every day but the process still stings. I don’t like to feel sad. So I try not remembering these things. But I do. And I probably learn more from having thought of these things than most.

I have found myself gravitating toward old Disney movies. I even read Walt’s biography of about 1200 pages four months ago. There is a lot to this man’s vision. He created the future while creacting nostalgia. This is not an easy thing to do. I bought a tin cased set of “Spin and Marty” episodes from the sixties I remembered watching when I was ten. I could only stand to watch one every few days. It just brought back too many sentimental feelings…it was actually suffocating.

Yesterday I thought of the first time I wrecked a car when I nearly wrecked the one have now. I was driving to get a paycheck and the sun hit my eyes causing me to miss the road into my boss’s house and roll the thing. It’s funny but I can still hear the sound of the crunching metal. I also remember a knife flying around in the car with my girl friend and me. The car was ruined but we were ok. And as he has so many times, my dad helped me out to make sure I had a car. I paid for it but he guaranteed the contract.

I am now into a new exercise. I have returned to my new self. I look at the past through the future. I have received quite a number of accolades for things done but I have decided to begin each day like my first. I have done nothing and there is a lot to do. I have also broken my remaining years (I am figured 29) down by weeks. I record how many weeks are left each week. I have broken down how much time I have for writing, reading, resting and such in order to get the most out of things. The past yearnings are just knowledge for a brighter more enjoyable future.

I am building a yearning for the future. I am remembering what I haven’t done yet. I now lead a congregation younger than I am. I feel younger than they are which is amazing. Youth is between the ears not in the color of the hair. There is so much to look forward to into my future here in a city I already love. So I am remembering what it will be like.

I am also working on a major project on the east coast that is challenging and fills up some spare time.

I have to say when I look back with nostalgia into the past it doesn’t do me much good. But when I look ahead with nostalgia for the future I find Bob Dylan was right when he said, “I was older then, I am younger than that now.” In fact I am writing a book of that title right now, slowly, but surely I expect it to be done some time in the future’s past.